It's Not Me ... It's You

Dear New Yorker:

My neighbor’s mentioned they’ve seen you around, just hanging out at the mailbox trying to look inconspicuous. At first I thought that you just needed time to process, and you would go on with your life. I had hoped you would find someone who thought you were wonderful – in the same way I thought you were the cats meow when we first met – but instead you insist on trying to find answers to what was inevitable.

When I first came to the city everyone thought you were swell. I would see you chatting up everyone, and your name came up in every conversation. Folks would comment, “well the New Yorker said…” or “ Did you see the New Yorker? There was this fabulous…”. Eventually, I had to check you out for myself. After a chance meeting on the subway, you remember how you were just sitting next to me – teasing me, I took the leap of faith after a few subway stops and headed into a commitment with you.

We saw some great times New Yorker, through your eyes I saw the cosmopolitan metropolis that is the City. I discovered the Film Forum and a countless number of b’way shows. And as you know New Yorker it was you who gave me solace after September 11th with your beautiful and eloquent prose on the humanity of the City. What started out as a year-long commitment turned into a four year relationship of mutual respect.

Honestly New Yorker, I want you to understand it’s not me…it’s you. I have not changed but you have. You never want to come down town anymore. You often yammer on about the same restaurants, shows, events. Etc. Of late even your editorial performance has been, how do I put this – a little lacking. I respect you too much to lie New Yorker, so yes there is someone else. I didn’t mean for it to happen but your cousin New York and I hung out that week you went missing and I realized we had a lot in common. New York, or NY as I like to call him, showed me the six degrees of separation that is the City. We went Brooklyn to Chinatown to downtown in one night. NY took me to the best eateries and every celeb-reality star knows him and everyone is always dropping by to ‘crash’ with him when they’re in town.

New Yorker you just can’t compete with that and that’s okay, so please stop hanging around hoping we will get back together. Because I do value our time together I thought I would give you the courtesy to write and let you know where I stand…so please remove me from your mailing list, take me out of your address book and most importantly stop hanging around my mailbox.

Your Former Customer,